I’m revisiting something I’ve posted about before: the insulting misrepresentation of humans in fantasy role-playing games.

Humans are an awesome species, deserving of more consideration than “they can do anything.” Since humans (particularly in a game like Dungeons & Dragons) are intended to serve as a “baseline” by which all other races and monsters are measured, they should have something more to their name than… wait for it… nothing.

Humans get nothing special.

In Fifth Edition Dungeons & Dragons, humans get a choice of either +1 to all ability scores -OR- +1 to two ability scores, a bonus skill, and a bonus feat. If you skim my post from 2013 about Fantastic Humans for 4e, then you’ll note my disapproval for bonus skills and feats. They’re bullshit.

After reviewing some history-, biology-, and game-related perspectives on humans in the “animal kingdom metagame,” I would like to present a relatively straightforward “fantastic human” rules patch:

Ability Score Increase. Your Constitution score increases by 1, and your Intelligence score increases by 2.
Age. Humans reach adulthood in their late teens and live about 80 years, barring accident or illness.
Alignment. Humans tend toward neutral alignments until concentrated in cities or institutions. Owing to their desire for belonging and social interaction, humans
Size. Humans vary in height and build, from barely 5 feet to well over 6 feet tall. Regardless of your position in that range, your size is Medium.
Speed. Your base walking speed is 30 feet.
Languages. You can speak, read, and write Common and one extra language of your choice. Humans typically learn the languages of other peoples with whom they deal, including obscure dialects. They are fond of sprinkling their speech with words borrowed from other tongues: Orc curses, Elvish musical expressions, Dwarvish military phrases, and so on.

Disease Resistance. You have advantage on saving throws against disease, and you have resistance against damage dealt by diseases.
Second Wind. On your turn, you can use a bonus action to regain hit points equal to one-half your Constitution score. Once you use this feature, you must finish a short or long rest before you can use it again.
If you gain Second Wind from your class, you may choose which version of the feature to use (generally, whichever confers the greater benefit).
Superior Thrown Weapons. You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls when using weapons with the Thrown property. Attacking at long range doesn’t impose disadvantage on your ranged attack rolls with Thrown weapons.

For your entertainment (and education), here are four videos to help put things in perspective: