I watched the first half of the Director’s Cut of Troy last night, and I’ll be honest: it’s a movie that I both love and hate. I love it because it’s beautiful, it’s gory, and it’s epic. But I hate it because it’s all wrong. Hector doesn’t kill Menelaus or Ajax! Menelaus survives, takes Helen back, and then dies of old age! Ajax goes crazy after the death of Achilles and then kills himself!

Agamemnon doesn’t die in Troy! He returns home and is murdered by his wife and cousin (his wife’s lover)! Paris doesn’t escape, he dies like the whiny adolescent boy he is! About the only things this movie got right were the deaths of Patroclus and Achilles! I’ll admit, I like the idea of Paris filling Achilles with arrows, only for him to pull them all out, and die with the one arrow still sticking out of his heel. But I digress.

I’m watching this film again because I want to reabsorb some of the epic awesomeness that is Greek Mythology. It can become very difficult to feel when all you’re doing is reading about it. No, I haven’t watched the new Clash of the Titans, and I don’t intend to. I liked the old one. But anyway, I want to see Ancient Greece. I want to be able to taste the sweat on Brad Pitt. I mean … never mind. Shut up! You were thinking it too!

One of the things that probably annoys me most about this film is how the two main characters, Hector and Brad Pitt Achilles, scorn the gods. It’s way too modern, and the sort of talk they carry on would get them exiled from their respective nations and peoples — exile being the fate worse than death, in those days. Like excommunication used to be. Seriously, “How many battalions does the Sun God command?” is blasphemy and you ought to be thrown from the walls of the city. *spits*